P.I.E. = Personality Identity Estimator
Thanksgiving is a time of family, food, arguments, reconnections, history, and pie. If that sounds like a lot, it is.
Thanksgiving is when we see people we haven't seen in a while, celebrate with friends we see all the time, or remember genocide. However you do it, it's very likely there is going to be pie.
Pie at Thanksgiving is like a gun in a Chekhov play—important and foretelling. Pie inspires arguments and emotions like no other. You bring different kinds of cake, people are singing "Kumbaya" and holding hands. If you bring the wrong kind of pie—a pie that no one else likes—then get ready to enter what can only be described as an emotional gauntlet.
There is no right answer to the eternal question, "What pie is best?" But, like the universe, there are only numerous paths that all have their own meaning. Who am I? What kind of pie do I like? Lucky for you, the answers are one in the same. Please use this guide with self-awareness and care.
Apple
Traditional. A bit boring, but it's popular for a reason. You're scared to make your own decisions and haven't asked yourself if who you are is who you wanted to be or what everyone around you wanted. You have one living grandma, but it's not looking good. Every year on Mardi Gras, you wear a shirt from Perlis.
Pumpkin
Dependable. People count on you and trust you with their children. You have done a lot and don't really understand why it's such a big deal to others. Can't they just do stuff, too? You always make everything work and figure it out, so why can't they? You're the Kajun's Pub of your family.
Cherry
Slightly controversial. You've cheated before, but the circumstances were complicated. You're "no contact" with at least one family member, but the reasons make a ton of sense. You like reading really dark books and answer questions kind of cryptically, but you are very ready to cry if someone would actually listen. Like frozen ravioli at a crawfish boil, people are skeptical, but it always works out.
Lemon Chess
Sexy. Perfect. Everyone loves you, and no one talks about you behind your back. You're the artist of the family. Uncles make fun of you, but it's clear they are a little jealous. They associate the kind of freedom you have in your life only with their childhood, which is very sad. You are the spiritual opposite of LaToya Cantrell.
Chocolate Chess
A go getter and a fire starter. You break the mold and rebuild but not always for the better. You're kind of good and bad at the same time. You always have a car that works, and people ask you for help but never advice. You are sort of a Baldwin & Co. bookstore for Gene's situation. You are a marker of gentrification.
Sweet Potato
The backbone of the family. You're not attending Thanksgiving. You're hosting. They're all coming to you. You are Thanksgiving. Without you, these bitches wouldn't have two drumsticks to rub together. Please make sure you sit for at least 15 minutes every hour and, after 30, start stretching. You have a lot of opinions about daiquiri shops, and they're all in Kenner (brah).
Some Kind of Coconut
Rich aunt energy. You don't know about anyone's allergies and didn't ask. You also have an extensive scarf collection and are a Fifi Mahony's regular.
Quiche
Contrarian. You registered as an independent in high school because you didn't like labels. You argue, "It just said pie. It didn't say dessert. This is a pie crust." Your "For You" page has a lot of videos about autism that really resonate with you. The definitions are expanding, and it's a spectrum. The quiche is really good, and people will get over it. You are the person who coined "Bunarchy."
Berry
Angel. You're probably the baby of the family and probably the one with a Costco membership. You're very diplomatic and above it all. You've seen more s**t than anyone, and that's why you're able to stay grounded, but you're also a little whiny. You're really into animation and have a water meter tattoo.
Peach
You're only at Thanksgiving for a few hours because, every year, you take yourself to the beach. You've done The Artist's Way two times, and you're gearing up for a third. You brought vanilla ice cream and whipped cream because you wanted everyone to have something they liked. Romantic relationships don't define you. The 18 hours a week Domilise's is open is enough for you, and you always make it.
Meringue
You always argued with teachers, but you were always right. You would be great at gardening, if you had a garden. You're not conflict avoidant but often let things go. You're very accepting, curious, and open. You can't make it through a new TV show to save your life. You live in the Bywater but are moving to Algiers Point.
We hope this has been illuminating and that you embrace your pie, whatever it may be. As John F. Kennedy once said, "Liberty without learning is always in peril, and learning without liberty is always in vain." It's clear that applies to pie, as well. Pie without crust is jam, and crust without pie is a scone.
It is the hope you can take what you learned here and bring it to your own families, your own tables, and have desserts all across this land resound with a new harmony—the harmony of knowing oneself. God bless pie, and Happy Thanksgiving.
