Top o' The' Tater to Ya'!
You might have been to the parade in the Irish Channel and caught an onion and thought, 'What's going on here? What are we celebrating? What should I be eating? When was the last time I called my mom?'
Definitely call her, but first know that figuring out what to eat on St. Patrick's Day is tricky. There's traditional Irish food—Irish stew, corned beef and cabbage, shepherd's pie, Irish soda bread, and seafood chowder—which would be perfect. But who has the time? What if you're not even sure what all those words mean?
Corned beef is one of those foods where it's unclear what it is. Does it have corners? Is there corner-less beef? What is the corned part? What about those of us who are idiots? What can you eat if you want to be festive? We're here to help and offer a solution for all the Irish Americans and allies—potatoes all day.
According to the World Potato Congress (a real thing), "No other European nation has a more special relationship with the potato than Ireland. The first Europeans to accept it as a field crop in the [17th] century, the Irish were the first to embrace it as a staple food in the [18th]. The potato emerged strongly in Ireland because it suited the soil, climate, and living conditions remarkably well." They also have a section called "The Potato in Art and Literature," where it's pointed out, "In James Joyce's Ulysses, the protagonist Leopold Bloom sets off on his Dublin odyssey for the day with a potato in his pocket."
It's not our goal to offend—that's up to the British—but the cultural connections between Ireland and the potato are much deeper than the famine, and it's time to reclaim those tuberous roots starting this St. Patrick's Day.
We're proposing an all-potato spread, but not fancy potatoes. If we had the time and resources for that, we'd just make traditional Irish food. This is for those with limited resources—forgetful and broke—but who love to have fun. We did actually call your mom. "Potatoes All Day" is on theme, and it's going to soak up the alcohol. Drinking and carbs share a long history. What's better than eating some bread at the end of the night? Eating 12 full potatoes during the day. Let's make a menu:
Breakfast: Tater tots or hash browns, whatever speaks to you
Oven, skillet, toaster, large boot over fire? Just make sure they're crunchy and soft at the same time. Cook some onions with them and have at least one egg. Cajun seasoning? A bay leaf? Aioli? Go nuts. The breakfast potato is a reminder to savor life. Warm greasy mouthfuls should replace whatever else is happening. What did we say to your mom? Would we make a move? You don't have to worry about that right now, because you have potatoes.
Lunch: Loaded baked potato
The creamier and meltier, the better. A lot of options here: sour cream, bacon, scallions, melted cheddar, butter—all-the world is your oyster/baked potato. A baked potato is like a cloud that could help you if you were constipated. The main goal is to make it delicious to you. There are Irish baked potato recipes that include cabbage, but we can leave that to the professionals. Drinking since 6 a.m., this is a tapping out time for some, but the Irish aren't quitters. They're smart, resilient, and resourceful. They know a midday potato is a bargain and a gift.
Dinner: Rally's fries
The Irish would love Rally's. Well, statistically, some of them would and probably do. But it doesn't have to be Rally's. Fries from anywhere, any style, are just as good. There's a lot of opinions about fries, but we don't discriminate, except for shoestring. What the hell is that? Wedge, steak, curly, crinkle, waffle, cheese—there's no wrong type of fries. You should also be drinking water—that hasn't been on the menu, but you definitely need water everyday.
Dessert: Sweet potato pie
If this doesn't feel right because you're one of those people who know sweet potatoes aren't technically potatoes, this isn't for you. You don't deserve sweet potato pie. Big root vegetables need to stick together, and we support community. You can purchase sweet potato pie at many places, but it also seems like sweet potato pie has a way of finding you—almost threatening, turning up in strange and unexpected places. An engagement party? Sweet potato. Christening? Someone brought one. Hospital? It's there, waiting. Your days are numbered.
That's it. That's the whole day. This is absolutely medical advice from a doctor. You could live on nothing but potatoes but only for three years. After that, your body starts shutting down. But, wow, what a ride those three years, and more importantly this day, would be. We hope you have fun no matter how many potatoes you eat.
P.S. This advice assumes you're consuming alcohol, but it would absolutely work if sober. The only change recommended then is eating more potatoes so you can be in physical pain like all the drunk people who will be experiencing some kind of agony.
p.p.s. We would never hurt your mom. We just had a long talk about her childhood and your dad, who doesn't listen to her all the time. She's proud of you, though, and probably would be bisexual if she had been raised differently.
p.p.p.s. The "corned" in corned beef is referring to the large "corns" of coarse salt used in the curing process, but we should make up something more interesting. Let us know.
