Handmade Home Cookin’ or Eat This!

13:20 September 28, 2016
By: Phil LaMancusa

Why does every friggin’ restaurant have a drawback? Why can’t they be perfect, like me? They altogether either too fancy, too plain, out of the way noisy, crowded, sloppy, expensive, uptight, elitist, surly, they just plain don’t know how to cook!!!

If you agree with that statement, then I’ve got perfect advice for you: open a restaurant of your own! Think of it- New Orleans is a food town, you a perfect recipe, you know how to cook, and you, above all know what people want in a restaurant; they want a restaurant that has no drawbacks; the perfect restaurant. A neighborhood place, with a great atmosphere, friendly service, reasonable prices, yummy food, clean restrooms, and fun, fun ,fun! WHere everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came...etc., etc.

Sound great, right? Sounds simple, huh? Sounds… hmmmmmm...lucrative...Yeahhhhhhhhhh!

Well, Sparky, just you pour yourself into a hot bubble bath, light candles and some incense, and turn the music down real low and let Uncle Phil tell you a horror story!!!

Okay, it’s not that bad. First, get yourself  a restaurant consultant, say someone that’s been doing it for a couple of decades. May I suggest me? No kidding, AND, as a qualified consultant, I will give you the best consulting you could ever get. It’s fee, and the wisdom of the ages comes in one word: “DON”T!” Any qualified consultant will give you that advice, and when you don’t take that advice, then the consultant takes your money. How much money does a consultant take? 120 by the hour, or 750  a day, or 2,500 to three grand a month, but if you’re going to be spending a hundred grand to a quarter mil for your dream place, that’s a drop in the bucket. Another way to go is to contract a tutorial for about 500 for the day.

No? You’re not about that kind of money? Well. tell you what. I’ll give it away free as long as my thousand words hold up. It doesn’t get cheaper than that.

The two most important words in the restaurant business are 1) location and 2) ent. In fact, you can repeat #1  three times for it’s proper effect: ‘location, location, location’.

#2 is how you will make your money, because your rent determines how much money you need to make and that is this: you have to make 20 times your rent to stay in business. Period.

Next with grand scheme comes tenet number one--identify your customer. Got it?

So not the situation can, in a perfect world, be thus: you have a wonderful location with great rent and you’ve identified your customer base as people that really want what you have to offer and can reach you without too much inconvenience. Congratulations - this is very rarely the case.

Let’s start over. Location. COnsidering that you are a smart person, you will try to find a location that was already a restaurant, All the the hook-ups, some of the fixtures, and possibly a spare piece of equipment or two is already there. You didn’t stop  to ask why the business before has left, but what the hell, it feels right. Okay, what’s the rent? Five grand? That means that you have to take a hundred grand a month to survive. Not a tough nut, but at least, it’s...challenging. How is it laid out?

In a perfect word, the space has one third put aside for kitchen and one half for dining room. The rest of the space is for restrooms, office, storage , garbage, employee lockers, and such. This also rarely the case. Usually everything else (including the kitchen) is minimized to make room for what really pays the rent: the customer. Remember, you need to have fifteen customers in your base (at least) for every seat in your restaurant, and you’ll need ten to twenty  square feet per customer for comfortable seating, This is also a rare case. You need room for servers to get past tables ( fat chance). ANd your need plenty of room for the hostess stand (hahahahahaha). Now what about the bar. Smart move.

NOW you're hooked up; all you need now is your dining room staff kitchen monkeys and supplies and yooooouuuu’rrrrre offff! Teerific, yes? Nah you want the news too, right? Here’s Johnny!

With 5% for rent, 12% for liquor, 35% for  food, 32% staff(including management), you have what to work with? As an owner you have to keep up with the utilities, phone, insurance, cleaning crews, anti theft

Devices, office staff (including bookkeepers and CPAs), a lawyer on retainer, area maintenance, advertising. Do the math.

Here’s a little restaurant trivia. He owner kicks in 18-23 cents per dollar paid for every hourly employee for things like unemployment insurance, workman’s compensation, and even contributions to social security. $10 an hour literally costs the employer over $12 an hours. How many employees do your think you’ll have? Again do the math

Sound fun? It gets better. Here’s a little more before I run out of room. Rents in the area are up 46% since the storm, the worker pool has shrunk 75%, and the insurance is put of the friggin’ roof. On top of that, you have to live with (or fight) a .075% waste factor in all areas. And just when you’re having hard a time watching a member of your staff ( that cost you $100-$200 to train) on their cell phone, smoking a cigarette outside while your tables get sat and the tickets start piling up, Bam! - the ice machine goes on the fritz, the prep cook calls in too drunk to work, the toilet in the ladies room overflows, and the bartender cuts himself while cutting lemon garnishes and has to go to the hospital.

Remember my first piece of advice? “DON’T” And my second? In the meantime, try to find a place that rents for five grand a month and gimme a call. Cheers!

Sign Up!