Let's paint a picture. You're from old money. You have a grandmother who married rich, found oil, and/or invested. She's gone, but her money has stayed. You have a cushy job at a bank or a real estate firm or different bank. Your world is just fine. The main problem is how to dress for lunch in the summer?
It's so hot. You're trying to follow the rules of social conduct for stuffy whites passed down for generations, but your calves? They're so sweaty. This is where formal shorts come in. Riding a horse for graduation? Formal shorts. Senator's pool party? Formal shorts. Lunch with a client in August? Formal shorts.
Formal shorts are the universe's way of saying, "I'm a person who has needs, but I'm still rich. I never get diarrhea, and I've never voted—unless you want me to, then I have every time." Formal shorts are the answer to the question, "What's he wearing?" said with jealousy and disdain. We're here to help. Strap in, it's going to be a bumpy ride full of seersucker and loop hems.
[Courtesy of Emily M Wilson]
Length
This is a question all men must ask themselves at one time or another: How short do I want these shorts? Fortunately, there's only one correct answer, and there's a formula to help remember. Take the full length of your knee, divide by two, and then add four. It's like the rule for how young you can date, but men actually care about this one.
If you're a large-kneed fellow, you should be considerate of hem width as well, because your knees might take some of the length in depth—if you know, you know. A good rule is that the shorts should never be kissing your thighs or calves. They should sit a comfortable height above the knee, like a French teen watching tennis from a hill. If you don't get that reference, you're not rich enough and, apologies, this guide is not for you.
Material
Remember the SAT? Or ACT? Or LSAT? This is like that but more important. Relationships are made or broken by the material of formal shorts and you won't know the difference until the invitations to cricket watch parties and Oscar betting rings dry up. You'll be upstream without a paddle or a servant with long arms.
You never want a blend—that's the first thing. Blends are simply out of the question—for your daughter's fiancé and for the shorts. A starched cotton is respectable, a stretch twill is reasonable, a linen is ideal, and a seersucker is divine. CTLS, if you can't remember. These materials will breathe, hold their shape, and not wrinkle too visibly.
[Courtesy of Louis Vuitton]
Pattern
There has never been a more important question than the question of a pattern for a formal short. The less material, the more important the pattern. If you're thinking, "Do I need a pattern? I was going to wear a solid color," then you're a fool. What a grave mistake you almost made. Think of someone you trust. Are they wearing a solid color? Of course not. They're wearing a pattern.
The busier the pattern, the busier the mind, which means they're too distracted to be sneaky. All sneaky people throughout history—Alexander Hamilton, Monica Lewinsky—do you know what they have in common? Solid colors. You'd be hard-pressed to find a deviant who wears patterns, and you don't want to start. Exactly what pattern is a matter of preference but never an animal you couldn't kill. Cats, dogs, fish, deer? Fine. Leopard? Only if you're an excellent marksman. Shark? Not on your life. Goat? Sure. Peacock? Of course. They're very slow. Squirrel or goldfish? These are all safe animal patterns. Crocodile? You better have some photos ready because those are shorts you're going to need to back up.
There are allowable non-animal patterns, but too much could go wrong. These are more for a seasoned formal shorts-wearer. How thick should the stripes be if you're meeting a woman with brown hair who's older than you and unmarried? If you don't know, you shouldn't even be considering it.
[Volodymyr Melnyk]
In Your Pockets
This is a controversial one. You've been warned. What a man or woman carries in their pockets is no one's business but their own; however, four rules apply to everyone, and you'd do well to follow them:
• Nothing living • Nothing wet • Nothing cursed • Nothing sharp that can't fold
Shoes
The final and most important part of the ensemble. Would you buy a million dollar home and paint the driveway green or plant daisies? Shoes are the driveways of the legs. Shoes can be a lot of things: comfortable, daring, white, and/or ugly. But which shoe is perfect for you? Only the shorts can decide.
What you're looking for in a shorts/shoe relationship is trust and a little drama. The shorts and shoes shouldn't be saying the same thing, but they should agree. If the shorts are pink linen, the shoes could be pastel, designed for a boat, have a little wedge, or perhaps even two toned. In this case, they wouldn't be leather, black, or have metal of any kind. This relationship is one of intuition and style; you have to "feel" what shoe is right for the shorts—never the other way around. The shorts should be guiding this process, always.
Does the shoe feel too heavy for the shorts? Reach for a lighter shoe. Always be ready to toss 'em and try again. If you've followed our guidelines up to this point, you should have a relatively easy time. When in doubt, a gray loafer is rarely incorrect and a brown sneaker is rarely correct.
Happy lunching.
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