[hudsoncrafted from Pixabay]

Halloween Candy Ranked

October 28, 2021
By: Julie Mitchell

Before Halloween was about drinking and trying to have sex with someone dressed like a plant, it was about candy.

Costumes?? You might argue. But if you slap on a bandana and an eye patch and say "aarg," people will SHOWER you with treats big and small until your heart explodes (aside from a very few "grumps," who we refuse to acknowledge as fit members of society). But WHAT candy you get is a different subject. There's a huge range from "its own currency" to "trash." Here is a painstakingly assembled guide to items you might get in your plastic bucket (pillowcase if you're serious) on Halloween night. Enjoy and remember to trick responsibly!!

[pexels / cottonbro]

CHOCOLATE

Reeses—Better than actual peanut butter, and I say that lovingly because whatever is in the middle of these is not 100% food. I don't like holiday shapes (pumpkins/eggs/trees) but one of the few candies where it doesn't matter if they have melted and reformed.

Twix—D1

Milky Way—Palate cleanser that can make you physically ill. They have "nougat," which no one really understands, but also the decency to be miniature often, which forces some portion control on an otherwise lawless night. The designated driver—a little lame but facilitating everyone else to be great (no offense to designated drivers—the backbones of society).

Snickers—Their commercials and name are TERRIBLE but all is forgiven on Halloween. If you meet someone who doesn't like Snickers (for non-allergy reasons), know that you can't trust them.

100 Grand—Don't have name recognition, probably because the caramel has the structural integrity of weak glue. But the week after Halloween when you've gone through all your good candy and you're working your way through these babies, it's not bad. In a pinch, could use as grout if needed.

Hershey's—Sometimes you're sick of finding things in your chocolate. Hershey's bars/kisses are a moment of calm in the midst of a raging candy storm.

Butterfingers—You will hallucinate if you eat too many; was endorsed by Bart Simpson. A+.

M&M's (peanut or regular)—Scientifically, the colors don't taste different, but to me? They do.

Heath—Who needs teeth?

Three Musketeers—If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Symphony Bar—Toffee, almonds, chocolate. A Hershey product but gets its own category because it was made to shine.

York Peppermint Patties—Tastes like toothpaste, but maybe that's your thing.

Kit Kat—Boring but not bad. If your dad remarried and she was nice.

Nestle Crunch—Cereal but worse.

GUMMIES

Sour Patch Kids—Classic, tropical, or mystery flavor, these little guys are a league all their own. Once, I ate most of a Costco size bag during a movie and my tongue started to bleed. Blending that kind of pleasure and pain? They are the only S&M candy and they are children?? Sour Patch Kids are experimental art forcing us to recognize the hypocrisies in our own humanity. A+.

Bears—Bright colors and they're made of horse hooves? They are a reminder that death comes for us all.

Haribo—Not a fan but they have a cult following, so I won't touch.

Sour Belt/Straw—Doing the work.

Worms—Fine.

Swedish Fish—Love these guys.

RAW SUGAR

Smarties—I didn't take Adderall as a child, but once I ate nine rolls of Smarties in an hour, so did I?

Skittles—If your car broke down, the red Skittles would call AAA, yellow Skittles would give you water, green Skittles would rub your back, purple Skittles would try to change the tire even though that isn't what's wrong, orange Skittles would call your mom and make it worse, and blue Skittles would play Rihanna on their phone on the side of the road. A team and everyone plays an important role.

Mentos—Rare instance (unprecedented?) where all colors are good.

Starburst—Pink and red? Amazing. Orange and yellow? If we must.

Jolly Ranchers—A delicious speedbump.

Blowpops/Tootsie Roll Pops—OWL for a mascot? Art.

Dum Dums/Other Lollipops—Disappointment to their families.

Mike & Ike's—Yes.

Dots—Unnatural in the non-cinema world.

Good & Plenty—My mom likes these.

Jellybeans—Always good.

Airheads—Yes.

Fruit Snacks—Huge range of quality depending on brand. Ultimately positive (s/o Gushers, the highest-level fruit snack).

Pez—Only candy with a fan-made museum.

Nerds—Closest a child can come to taking shots.

Twizzlers—Chocolate ones are a medical experiment gone awry, but black and red are positive contributions to society. Pull aparts should be banned.

Sweet Tarts—Sour chalk, somehow good.

Fruit by the Foot/Fruit Rollups—Superstars.

[pexels / Charles Parker]

GROSS BUT NEEDED

Tootsie Rolls—Not enough chocolate to be chocolate, not enough ingredients to be anything else. Odd little tube. But a Halloween without them? Unthinkable, blasphemous.

Candy Corn—Controversial! Candy corn has existed for over 100 years and will be here when you are but a memory.

Lemon Heads—Unsure who they're for but clearly someone who needs it.

NOT CANDY BUT A PART OF THIS

Apple—I always get one (across states) and they are a source of comfort.

Yogurt Pretzels—Yoga moms who make muffins with zucchini and take bread out of places where bread is supposed to be. But we can't blame that on yogurt pretzels, which are delicious despite their flawed origins.

Oreos/Nutter Butters—Cookies.

HELL TIER

Circus Peanuts—A message from God you have failed and need to atone.

Box of Raisins—Dried fruit in cardboard? Must draw the line somewhere.

Gum—Why

Now & Laters—NOW you have a filling and LATER you won't!

Red Hots/Tamales/Cinnamon—Spicy candy? To remind me Hell is hot?

Fun Dip—Why don't I just do heroin?

Jawbreaker/Hard Balls—Choking hazard disguised as dessert.

Hard Candies—Halloween is revelry and fun, not a doctor's waiting room or my grandma's purse (strawberry ones not included).

Whoppers/Malted—Not in the Bible.

Bit-O-Honey—Am I a bug?

Hearts with Words—Outside Valentine's Day, bad luck.

Brach's Brand Anything—Wood sap and chemicals. If you can't spend one more dollar to get the real stuff, perhaps you are not meant to give this year.

COCONUT NUT CARAMEL PRETZEL CONTINGENCY

Mounds/Almond Joy—One goes a long way.

PayDay—Baseball?

Rollos—Mom purse chocolate. Decadent, small, hard to open.

Baby Ruth—Discontinued. So like the real Babe Ruth, dead to us.

Milk Duds—Going to solve an international crisis, just not sure how or when.

Mars Bar—???

Mr. Goodbar—Trying too hard.

Okay that's it! If you get anything not on this list, it's officially not candy! Have fun being a disco mermaid ghost!

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