HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Where Y'at Magazine is turning 20 years old this year! Which in the rest of the world means almost able to drink, but in Louisiana, means you've been drinking for years and already have a signature order. We're going to take a look at some other things turning 20 in 2017 and re-imagine if they also had Louisiana origins.
Well, they're off to the right start—too much water! It's like they're from Louisiana already. If this film were set in Louisiana, when Jack took Rose to the lower decks to show her "how the other half lives," instead of that man with a fiddle, there would have been someone with some bounce music. And instead of standing on point, she would have taught him how to twerk.
Mariah Carey's Butterfly
Get it, Mariah! The first album she did after her breakup with media mogul and studio exec Tommy Mattola, the Butterfly album includes singles "Honey" and "My All." The video for "Honey" is her breaking out of a huge mansion and escaping the man who was keeping her there. Had Mariah been from Louisiana (instead of Huntington, New York), this break-up album would have been a little more on the nose, his home address and phone number would have been mentioned in the track, the video would have been in front of their old house, and all Mariah's friends would have been yelling, "You ain't shit!" in between all the verses.
98 Degrees' Debut Album
These boys have fallen out of grace (and did so pretty soon after this album came out). Had they had the Southern hustle, they would have better capitalized on their fame. I predict that they would have had a hot sauce called 98 Degrees and would have partnered with a dried shrimp company. These items would have been wildly successful and we would still be using them to this day. Alas, that's a future we were robbed of because these boys are from Ohio.
What a gem. With low production value, it's one of the only shows aside from live shows (SNL, nightly news) that can react to an event and make a show about it within the same week, which gave us wonderful topical satirical punches amidst the usual juvenile chaos that was served up every week. Had these foul-mouthed paper children been from our beloved boot (instead of central Colorado), they could have had a second line for Kenny every episode!
Men In Black
Wowowow. What a seminal and awesome movie about policing the universe and aliens. So many kids' first Tommy Lee Jones experience (not Will Smith cause Fresh Prince, but Tommy!). These two formally outfitted crime fighters made a living off being able to spot aliens, which would be CRUCIAL in rural Louisiana—the swamp could have been one whole movie by itself.
The pop punk album that gave us the runaway single "Barbie Girl" would have been destined for greatness with a lil' Louisiana flair. On the classic cover, instead of a blue sea, imagine a sea of blue herons! Fun and flighty! The physical CD would also have made a good coaster.
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion
Can you even imagine how amazing this movie would be if these two women were traveling back to Maurice, Louisiana, and trying to convince everyone that they were better than they are because they invented a type of glue?
There is nothing more that this state needs than sarcastic women. That's the backbone of this country, and Louisiana is no exception. We already have a strong presence of them in the meter maid community, now they need to infiltrate and take over everywhere else.
The Fifth Element
A sci-fi chase film with a surrealistic opera? It would have been way better as jazz and with people of color.
A British girl group who loves feminism and bus chases? This movie would have been a little slower had it been set in the Big Easy. Everyone would have been drinking outside so they couldn't have run as fast, and there's no way the bus driver would have driven them for that long. He would have taken them seven blocks and then told them to find the streetcar.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What better place to hunt vampires than Louisiana? Interview with the Vampire already set a healthy precedent, and drop in on any ghost tour in the city to know the vampirical history of most of the cities in this state. It's actually shocking that this one isn't already in Louisiana.
Good Will Hunting
It's hard to imagine this film not set in Massachusetts, but you can do it! A Yat accent sounds Northeastern to most people, anyway. We can rewrite such classic lines as, "I got her number. How do you like them satsumas?" Sounds great.
My Best Friend's Wedding
Ah, Julia Roberts. A staple of early 90s culture and life. In this fun flick, Jules is helping her best friend get married to Cameron Diaz when some feelings come up. Had they been in our Sportsman's Paradise, they would have had a crawfish boil and talked that stuff out, and no one would have had to chase anyone through a train station in the rain.
Notorious B.I.G.'s Life After Death
Gone too soon. I can't say that Biggie would still be alive had he been from Louisiana, but this whole East Coast/West Coast thing would have been way different if it had been West Coast/Gulf Coast. Maybe he would have just taken Tupac fly-fishing and they would have made an album together about rivers. We'll never know.
ANOTHER one taken too soon. But when God closes a door, he opens a window. Or, in this case, when we lose a Selena, we get a J.Lo. Had this movie taken place in LA, I think the bus that they lived on would have gotten a much-needed party makeover and would have been blaring bounce music and had strobe lights and a pole. How are you supposed to be a successful touring performer if three of people's five senses can't interact with your tour bus?
Loved this movie! Greek gods and goddesses, talking animals—what more could you want? I do think this movie would have been better, though, if instead of that weird pig with legs, there had been a talking nutria. We could have gotten to know him, laughed, been scared; it would have been a valuable and humanizing experience for us all.
Just take out those periods. "LA Confidential." Done.
Originally released as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, it was changed when it came to America in 1998. The story of a little boy who is actually magic would be very well-suited for Louisiana. In the new version, his parents would never die because they would know enough voodoo to kill Voldemort themselves. Harry would be raised on a houseboat and his life would unfold exactly the way the movie The Water Boy happens. Emma Watson would play Fairuza Balk.