Breaking Up with Gen Z
Valentine's Day is coming up, and, while past generations might've been excited for the flowers and wine, our woefully commitment-phobic generation is shaking in our boots and anxiously trying to figure out what we're going to do for the big day.
If you're like a number of people, you've realized you've hedged the wrong bet and need to quickly dump your situationship before they expect a French Quarter dinner and romantic sex. Worry not. Here's a surefire guide to lose that unlucky man or woman in just 10 days, without having to make yourself be the villain and/or narcissist.
Day 1: Answer Their Texts in a Timely Manner
Our generation lives by the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder," or, more accurately, "intermittent reinforcement makes the anxiously attached get more attached." Fifteen minutes, 30 minutes, and an hour are all guidelines for when you should respond to someone when you're courting them in order to keep that intrigue alive, so responding promptly will surely scare your lover off and get them to think that you're clingy.
Day 2: Put Down Your Phone while They're Speaking
Dinner dates and watching Netflix together while you're having a deep conversation—the best, guaranteed way to make your lover get "the ick" is to put that damn phone down and pay attention, especially when the Saints are playing. If you were trying to court them, the ever presence of your phone would remind them that you're a hot item and that you have many people and appointments that you need to manage. Staying off your phone signals that you have nothing better to do with your life than to hang out with them.
Day 3: Remember Little Details
Remember where they went to high school, especially if it's a private Uptown school, their favorite food, and their best friend's name. Bring these up in conversation and see their face fall flat as they realize that you've actually been paying attention during conversations. If you do want to keep them, you need to keep an air of "I don't give a s**t" in order to make them feel like they have to fight for your love, much like how they had to fight for their parents.
Day 4: Be Old Fashioned
Wearing anything other than athleisure to your first couple of dates will not get you another one. Plan a date at Brennan's, Commander's, or a local steakhouse with a wine list and make sure to bring flowers. The overwhelming pressure of attention will get to their head and make them ghost you as fast as you can say "effort."
Day 5: Mention Having Light to Moderate Drug Usage
Staying sober is for losers, and Gen Z knows this. While drinking is on the decline, other substances such as weed are having their heyday. Showing that you can make it through a weekend without lighting up and having a stable mind will indicate to your lover that you're somebody who doesn't realize the terrible state of the world and also that you probably aren't cool enough to have a plug.
Day 6: Tell Them that You Don't Believe in Astrology
Everybody knows that a Leo and a Taurus don't get along, no matter how many hobbies, political beliefs, childrearing strategies, and financial habits you have in common. When your lover brings up Venus signs, quickly cut them off and say, "The stars don't impact our personalities." After that, watch them run out the door.
Day 7: Take Things Slow
Lovebombing is the name of the modern love game. If you want to get your lover quickly attached, greet them with early declarations of love, talk about attending your family's Mardi Gras balls together, and shower them with endless compliments at the beginning, only to turn cold at the three week mark. Not doing this will guarantee that they lose interest, for if you're not showing the amount of attention you would expect from a couple during their honeymoon, they'll wonder if you have avoidant attachment.
Day 8: Bring Up Labels
This one works best if you've been seeing someone for months without moving out of the "situationship" phase. The best way to give a shock to your lover's system is to propose that you could possibly be more than this, even if "this" includes already being exclusive, talking every day, spending the night at each other's apartments, and meeting the parents.
Day 9: Show Interest in their Hobbies
Do they like to go to open mics at Neutral Ground? Offer to go to the next one with them. Are they a basketball fan? Surprise them with tickets to the next Pelicans game. Read their favorite books, look through their Spotify, and bring up the topics they talk about over and over again in conversation to make them think, "Wow! this girl is totally a stalker."
Day 10: Show Unwavering Mental Stability
If they haven't abandoned you by now, you need to go nuclear. When they call you for a 1 a.m. booty call, stick to what you told them and say, "No." If they call you crying about losing their vape, calmly remind them that that's probably a sign that they need to quit. Nothing gets someone more fired up than seeing that their lover also shares the same fragile state of mind that hinges completely on other people's opinions and old childhood wounds.
So there you have it—if you still have someone lingering around after taking all of these steps, you're either undeniably gorgeous or have such a magnetic personality that no one can deny hanging out with you. Change that immediately if you want to love like a Gen Z-er.
