As the weather turns cold and lights go up in storefronts, we are all asking ourselves the same question: If my entire essence was distilled down into one seasonal (Christmas) item, what would it be? Who am I? How do I appear to others? Can I be drunk in this Walgreens?
Here is a quiz that will answer those questions, and probably give you new ones to ponder, while you gnaw on a cinnamon stick in the bath. Self-care!
1. It's Christmas Eve, what are you wearing?
A. All black.
B. Crushed velvet or a bow.
C. Sequins, bitch. Who's asking?
D. Something with a little sweater, in case it gets cold.
E. Red Ryder BB gun.
2. Are your parents divorced?
A. Yes, but they're still friends.
B. I never knew them.
C. Yes, because of me.
D. No, they're both professors.
E. No, but they're not happy.
3. Seasonal drink?
B. Something with pineapple.
C. Double martini.
D. Hot whiskey with lemon and rosemary.
4. What's your favorite ornament?
A. Star of David.
B. Peppa Pig.
C. The Smirnoff promotional ones.
D. The white whale from Moby Dick.
E. Lamp that is a leg.
5. How are you in a crisis?
A. I think about this all the time.
C. I cry.
D. Is it economic in nature? Otherwise, bad.
6. What are your New Year's resolutions?
A. Learn an instrument.
B. Lose weight.
C. Meet Liza (Minnelli).
D. Journal more.
E. See a boob.
7. What do the holidays mean to you?
B. Good food.
8. Do you believe in life after love?
A. Yes, I actually prefer it.
B. Well, I sure hope so, after this year!
C. I can feel something inside myself.
I really don't think I'm strong enough, no.
D. Do I believe in love? Let's start there.
E. With the right pole, yes.
9. Which cousin are you?
A. The one who picks the movie.
B. The youngest, who's always in a play.
C. The one who has drugs.
D. The one whose boyfriend is the same
age as his/her dad.
E. The one with glasses.
10. What is your Christmas wish?
A. Peace on Earth.
B. Babe 3.
C. Good coke.
D. Amazon going under.
E. My eye back.
If you got mostly A's, congratulations, you're: Chinese food!
Congratulations, you're Jewish! Christmas to you is about pretty lights, drinking kosher wine, and watching Uncut Gems for the third time because it's less stressful than CNN. You set a beautiful table and invited a highly curated group of friends over. Who's going to get drunk and make out, then find each other on LinkedIn at competing nonprofits? Only time will tell. Mazel tov, you beautiful bitch!
If you got mostly B's, congratulations, you're: A glazed ham!
You are a ham. Not only do you love pig puns, but you're the one keeping everyone waiting. We simply cannot have the day without you. A little spoiled, a little shy, you're a Christmas gift to us all, and you don't let us forget it. You love to dress up and down at the same time, somehow. How are you doing that? But if there's one thing we can say for sure, it's that you look beautiful, and you're making some people uncomfortable. Kisses!
If you got mostly C's, congratulations, you're: The tree topper!
You are already drunk, and it's December 1! You are simply the life of the party, even after everyone else has gone to sleep. Flashy and fun, you're the one who tells someone when they're drunk that they should text something mean to their coworker they hate. You give terrible advice, but we keep coming back, because your hair's so shiny, and that's distracting. Please keep spiking the eggnog; it's boring without you!
If you got mostly D's, congratulations, you're: A Barnes & Noble gift card!
People sleep on you, but you're such a staple of the holiday season! A gift that's not really a gift? Go off, Queen! You are the potential of the new year—maybe we'll start reading, maybe not, but now, we have $25 to spend. Yes, we're going to get magnets of dogs from France with berets on them, but we have the choice to get a book, and that's what matters. You always come prepared, and we need that now, more than ever.
If you got mostly E's, congratulations, you're: A DVD of 'A Christmas Story'!
You're a DVD copy of A Christmas Story. Funny, timeless, essential—it's all you! You are both the sexual energy of a single leg that lights up, but also the stranded child with his tongue stuck to a pole. You're so many things all at once, and that's what Christmas is all about. You remind people of the nostalgic beauty of the past, then quickly snap them to the painful relatability of the present. And you want a gun! That's half the American population right there.
[Lead photo by Christopher Ryan for unsplash]