Are you the only one in your group of friends who seems to have your priorities straight and therefore cares how you're all going to drink at events? Do you keep trying to make plans with people while they suggest things that imply that they're not even CONSIDERING alcohol? It's annoying to have to KEEP asking, "How are we going to drink while we play pickup soccer?" or, "What alcohol pairs well with going to the library?" Well, worry no more. We have compiled a list of 15 different summer plans that will EASILY hide your alcoholism and keep the party going as long as you want, or at least until there's an intervention. Enjoy!
1. Brunch, Bitch!
It's illegal to eat a $13 plate of eggs without a mimosa or a Bloody Mary, and everyone knows that. It was voted in on a 10-2 majority, and now it is law. When you meet at 11:30 a.m. (to get that good reservation) and no one has anywhere to be until 4:30 p.m. (except for Janet, she's always leaving everything early), it is your duty as a citizen and an H&M rewards-earner to drink like a coal miner from the 40s.
Why do you have to get drunk on a river? I don't know, why is the sky blue? Why isn't Pluto a planet anymore? Some things just are. And when you put on a bathing suit and get in an inflatable raft, you are entering into an unbreakable pact that you will consume as much beer in a few hours as most people do on their Friday night, because this is a sport, dammit, and you came to win!
3. Outdoor Picnics/BBQ
Look, there's never enough chairs (or any!) at these things, and no one's just going to sit on the ground sober. You get a nice base buzz going, so that when someone inevitably brings up something so mind-numbingly boring and makes everyone have a conversation about it for 40 minutes (like, your trip to the Grand Tetons, Janet? There's only so many pictures of rocks we can look at!), you are at least able to feel the warmth of the alcohol, which is now your only friend.
4. Rooftop Pool
Ok, look. There are times in this life when we need to capitalize on a moment. When you're at a baseball game, you eat a hot dog. You meet a Frenchman, you make out with him. If you're at a rooftop pool, you need to be (a.) ordering drinks from the pool, and (b.) those drinks need to be ice blended and alcoholic. These drinks also need to sound like a candle that TJ Maxx would charge $12 dollars for, like "Gold Rose Mojito," "Lime Pineapple Margarita Blend," or "Ocean Bay Breeze." You understand.
5. Dinner with Friends
We all love our friends. Friends are great. Sometimes our friends' friends aren't that great, though. Or sometimes, our friends' cooking isn't so great. Or our friends' old cats that stare at you and look like they're already dying. Or our friends' insistence on an all-classic rock Pandora station. All those things are gross. But you know what is always great? Wine. In a bottle, in a box, in a jug from Walgreens, whatever it is—wine is always a constant you can count on. Rely on it!
You know how many Whitney Houston's there are in the world? There was one, and now there are none. You know how many people think they can become Whitney Houston after a few rum shots? All of them. Let yourself be your mind's Bodyguard and drink up, otherwise you're going to have to listen to a pitchy TFA boy trying to sing songs that were only meant for angels, sober.
7. Sitting by the Water
If Instagram is any judge, we all love to be pensive by the water from time to time. You're looking out, you're remembering memories, mistakes, good times, relationships, TV shows, and so on. When there is an open body of water, it is anyone's reflecting pool. But the difference between sitting by yourself on the ground and gazing out onto a shimmering expanse of possibility is all about setting. Get a blanket, your journal, a book, a single flower, an unlit candle, a Grecian urn, whatever you want! Set up a little scene. But most importantly, pick a glass of something you like and share it with yourself. Getting drunk by yourself in front of the water is very romantic, and don't let anyone tell you any differently.
Are you the type of person who forges his or her own path in this world? I know you are. You probably have a few side hustles to make it work in this crazy ride we're all on called Life. So, you probably dog-sit a lot; I know I do. The best part about dog-sitting, aside from both parts of that compound word, are the words, "Help yourself to anything," and "Make yourself at home." Dog-sitting is where I tried my first tequila! There's a freedom in someone else's home to embrace a new side of yourself you didn't even know was there. With a dog! Drink up, drink to self-discovery and to Trader Joe's beer.
9. Writing in Your Dream Journal
How many times have you woken up after a long night's sleep and remembered an amazing and complicated dream you wanted to write down, but didn't have the mental strength to do so after just living through it in your mind AND working all day? Pour yourself a drink and really let those words fly across the page. Was your high school boyfriend on a plane? Did you find a book in your living room that was really a map that made all your teeth loose? You don't have to go through that all again sober! Get a little buzzed and really have fun with it.
10. Ghost Tour
You know when your grandma comes into town and she wants to "see the sights," and she's also fascinated with the living dead AND history, so you book a ghost tour, but it's really just a middle-aged man in a vest making corny jokes and talking about pirates? Get a drink. Get your grandma a drink. Get the ghost a drink. Those tours are walking and hot, and until they figure out a tour that only talks about indoor ghosts, those drinks will always be allowed. (And don't forget to hug your grandma, these moments with her are precious!)
11. Outdoor Wedding
Why must people celebrate their declaration of everlasting love on a beach or a forest with too much hay? What's wrong with a mall food court? You have all the soft pretzels and orange chicken you'd ever want, which is the most romantic thing I can think of, but it seems that no one else agrees with me. And God forbid if you wear sandals. So, you're outside in high heels that just sink you into the ground every time you walk (flats are for children and people who use messenger bags), remembering every time a partner didn't like the movies you would watch together. Because that's all weddings really are in the end, with not enough shrimp. You deserve, need, and are allowed as many cocktails as you dang-well please, and there is not a Pinterest board on the planet that can take that away from you.
12. Happy Hour
This is a time and place where dreams come true. I know it, you know it, bars know it, chalkboard signs on the street know it. This is our time! Booze is cheaper, people are fewer, there's usually a TV playing Sex and the City with closed captioning somewhere—life is good. There's no pretense in this magical time. You know why you're here and so does everyone else. Drink your delicious beverages with both your head and an appetizer menu held high.
I've never been kayaking. But do you think that's gonna stop me? Remember what we said about water before? Whether you're tubing, or sitting next to it, or cutting through it in a smaller canoe with a single, doubled-bladed oar, you have to assert your dominance over the water (ever seen Jaws? Or Lake Placid? Or Heavyweights?), and there's no better way to do that than by being drunk. Poseidon himself would tip his trident at someone who had the balls (or ovaries!) to kayak with a drink in hand/between the knees. Remember summer camp? Well, you're an adult now! Drink while you do the same weird stuff from your childhood; that's my motto.
You liked the ghost tour. You want to commune more with the dead, but you don't want to pay a man who looks like your math teacher from high school if he DIDN'T get divorced, so do it! Grab a blanket, grab a Ouija board, wake up your grandma, find a quiet cemetery, and get to it, girl. But no séance is complete without two things: an unquenchable need to communicate with unknown spirits and themed cocktails! Do you even know the possibilities when it comes to séance cocktails? Don't even get me started.
15. Anything That ISN'T a Doctor's Office
So, if you've learned anything from this list (and I hope you have), it's that alcohol makes everything better. There is only one exception to this, and that's the doctor's office. And honestly, it's not even that alcohol WOULDN'T make it better, it's that when you're at the doctor's office, they have access to your medical chart and they can write whatever they want in there, so you don't want a JUDGEMENT that's going to follow you around your whole life and make anything any harder for you than it has to be. So yes, unfortunately, don't be drunk in a doctor's office. But there are so many other places, I don't think you'll even miss it. And when you go to the doctor, you can just get high instead.