American Indigestion
The same way that hot dogs are a metaphor for history, other things can be a metaphor for hot dogs. This is important because while we may want to eat a hot dog every day—for health and legal reasons—we probably shouldn't.
So this Fourth of July, why don't you try some substitutes? These are six things that feel like eating a hot dog, but aren't.
Smoking a Cigarette
Well, yes. Studies show that eating a hot dog can take 36 minutes off your life and a cigarette only takes 20. So in some ways, it's better. They are the same shape and both go in your mouth. More places of work should sanction hot dog breaks, where you could step out and eat one under an awning in the rain, but, alas, we haven't come that far as a society. However, vaping is trying to get us there. Smoke a cigarette—unless you don't want to, then don't. According to many sources, they are bad.
Buying a Betta Fish
This is like a hot dog in that it seems fun, but it's actually secretly stressful. Plastic plants cut their fins? They're from tropical climates and need water temperatures between 78 to 82 degrees? They need at least five gallons of water to swim around. Since when? Apparently since always, but we just didn't care. Sadly, once you know, you can never go back to not knowing. Owning a betta fish is agreeing to carry a very small burden—the knowledge you're never doing a good enough job for this tiny sentient creature who didn't even ask to be here but is a load-bearing part of your plan to fix your depression. You owe them so much, and they don't even care. In this way, and so many more, they are exactly like a hot dog.
Watching the Movie Major Payne
The movie Major Payne is one of the best things we've produced as a country. There's a lot of wrong we've done, but some things we got really right. The perfection of the juicy pop of hot dog between the soft bun with whatever topping of your choice dripping down the sides—this is what the comedy of Damon Wayans feels like. It's satisfying, fun, exciting, and good for the whole family. And it's glorifying the military—perfect.
Watching Someone Smash a Crescent Roll in Their Hands
If you've ever baked crescent rolls, you know their soft buttery faces rise in heat to greet you and then wait expectantly to be slathered in jam or egg or whatever you're doing over there. They ask nothing of no one and seem so placid but are born into this world with a pop—loud and scary and unexpected—usually from the press of a spoon. Just eating these doesn't feel like eating a hot dog. Now you're just eating two different things. For whatever reason, seeing someone pick one up in their hands and slowly press it together until its tiny white body folds into a geometric shape with no name feels like eating a hot dog. Who knows why, but we can't know everything. How is something a poem if it doesn't rhyme? It just is. This just is.
Laughing at a Kevin Hart Joke
Kevin Hart can do a lot of things: star in movies, make anything into an interview, sell out stadiums, be friends with The Rock. His jokes are the hot dogs of comedy. They feel good going down, but moments later, you think, "Why did I do that? How long have I been doing this? Actually, maybe this made me sad." Sorry, Kevin, and sorry, us.
Buying a T-Shirt at Old Navy
Old Navy wants everyone to be ready to play tennis at any time. If there's an item of clothing that exists, Old Navy has sold a solid and stretchy version of it to fat women. The t-shirts at Old Navy have gone through an evolution where they used to have American flags and be for dads. Now, they're $12 and for women on boats, exactly like hot dogs. The only items that are simultaneously for dads and women on boats: hot dogs and Old Navy t-shirts. Sail away.
In the words of a famous cartoon pig, that's all folks. We hope this esoteric list that was both a denouncement of historical violence and an endorsement for mixed meat be a lesson to you: holidays can be anything you want them to be. But nothing, and we mean nothing, will ever feel like eating a hot dog as much as these six things. Ever.
We hope you eat or don't eat as many hot dogs as you want, learn history so we are not doomed to repeat it, and accept that mustard is disgusting. Happy Fourth of July.
