Punk'd'24
New Year's Eve is a time to surround yourself with friends and loved ones, reflect on your lives, and celebrate. This often revolves around Champagne toasts, cocktails, rounds of beer—but you don't drink.
Either for right now or always, you find yourself on the cusp of a new year, wanting to celebrate, but you are unsure how to do it without booze. Help is here.
No one will admit this, but drinking until it's a little scary is part of what makes it fun. People want to feel like they had an adventure and drinking so much you do something crazy is what makes the night so special, different from nights where you had one or two, remembered everyone's name, and kept your shirt on. But those feelings don't just come from alcohol. That's the easiest one, but there are other things to keep the night entertaining, exciting, and fun without drinking. Some suggestions to get you started:
1. Steal a Car
Not a new or expensive one—an old car, just for a bit. Most people aren't driving on New Year's Eve (hopefully), so if you return it quickly, they might not even notice. And if they do, that just adds to the thrill. A few weeks before New Year's, keep an eye out for cars that never seem to move. The world around them changes, but they just stay the same. Maybe they're parked on Elysian Fields, maybe they aren't. If you're like, "Those cars probably don't even run," fix one.
Can you imagine how impressed your friends will be if you go up to a run down car and start it with a screwdriver? That story will be told every year until you die. You don't even have to really steal it—just take it around the block then return it. No one will even be mad if they catch you, because you fixed their car.
2. Speak in Another Language
78% of Americans only speak English. Did you know the time you're most likely to shock someone is when they're not expecting it? You probably have friends you've only spoken one language to the entire time you've known them. When they see you on New Year's Eve, that's what they're expecting because it's all they've ever known. Only speak Russian. And if you're like, "I don't know Russian," okay, and? Duolingo is free.
You don't start preparing for Christmas the night before, or Halloween, or Mardi Gras, or Valentine's Day. Holidays take planning. New Year's Eve is a lifestyle. Download that app mid-summer. Join a conversation circle. You're not going to be fluent, but you're going to know some. Your friends probably don't speak Russian, so the bar is pretty low. The same way you're a slightly different version of yourself when you're drunk, you can do that now, alcohol free. Tonight, you're the Russian version of yourself. Then when the clock strikes midnight, switch back to English and go, "Whoa, what just happened?"
3. Don't Speak At All
What's scarier than spending $45 on PBR? Going out with your closest friends but you don't say a word. Mouth words and pretend to be confused that they can't hear you. This is going to throw them off all night. They'll never forget it. It's like witnessing an alien abduction, but you're staying right here.
4. Bring a Lot of Ham Everywhere
People love food but there are unwritten rules. Food has to be sanitary and it has to come from someplace visible. Imagine you're hanging out with someone and you reach into your pocket and come out with a fistful of ham? They'll feel like they're drunk, but, actually, they're experiencing reality too much. Remember when you used to throw up in the bathroom then go out and keep drinking? This is like that but the opposite—with ham.
5. Have Stickers
Excitement doesn't just have to come from fear. People forget about sheer whimsy. The best Mardi Gras costumes are the ones with some kind of little present or trinket. Goldfish out of a bowl on your head? Oreos from a black hole in your stomach? Coconuts or shoes? We all just want little gifts.
On New Year's Eve, no one is expecting a gift like stickers. They're thin as paper and you can have thousands of them. Let people put them on unsuspecting passersby, lampposts, buildings, dogs, the ground—the world is just one giant piece of paper to someone with stickers.
6. Reminisce About the Past
New Year's Eve is about beginnings. Some reflection, sure, but not enough. That ends tonight. Every time people start talking about the future, get a wistful look in your eye and say, "It'll never be what it was." Or a well-placed, "We really were something, weren't we?" This will scare people around you. Do you have a head injury they don't know about? Are you possessed by a ghost? Keep 'em guessing.
You will find other unique ways to be a menace that feel true to you. The important thing is: If you don't want to drink, then that shouldn't get in the way of doing the things you love, especially if those things are confusing strangers and friends. You'll always be who you are, with alcohol or without. Now get out there and disrupt someone's sense of reality. It's fun. Happy New Year.
