Survivor: NOLA NYE Edition
The holidays are here, so it is time to prepare for the worst—or, as most people call it, reconnect with family members.
We all have our favorite childless aunts with whom we have fond memories of slipping us a $20 and are excited to see again, but we also have Uncle Jimmys that stumble and talk a little bit too loud about the state of the world. That, combined with the persistent stress of relationship and career questions from parents, grandparents, and people you're not 100% sure how you're related to, can make for a very stressful atmosphere.
Fear not—we have compiled a quick guide of preparatory measures and escape plans to help you through the night, hopefully remaining in one piece.
Pre-Dinner Preparation
1. Control the Situation
Steer your family towards a bar with two or more rooms/patios so you can easily slip away. If you're the one hosting the family gathering, this is the time to take your rightful spot as host of the group. If not, protest to whoever is suggesting Monkey Hill that they need not make all the choices alone and that you'll alleviate their weary mind from decision fatigue. Good local options are Tchop Yard and Hot Tin.
2. Pregame
No further explanation is needed, but moderation is key. You don't want to be the one to start the fight this year. Remember the golden rule: Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear. You want to start with a light buzz that is maintained throughout the night, not descend into a whirlpool of chaos and puke in a bush at City Park.
3. Build Alliances
Converse with family members you are on good terms with about what touchy topics to avoid and which ones will make you your parents' favorite for the night. Having a planned set list of highlights from the year is a good idea. Make sure to bring up that you got a raise—just don't mention it was only 50 cents from a coffee shop—and that you and your girlfriend just moved in together and adopted a dog. However, be wary of the, "When will you give me my grandbabies?" question to follow. A simple shrug and laugh should suffice, implying that you're just too shy to even imply the act.
4. Prepare the Compliment Arsenal
Lying is not a sin here, at least not in these treacherous waters. Research family members' Facebook pages beforehand to come up with things you know they're begging for someone to bring up: the little cousin who just won their Greater New Orleans Little League tournament or the fresh haircut that your aunt got to show up her sister. Bring up one of these topics whenever the conversation lulls or intensifies to quickly diffuse the situation and get some other family members on your side.
Escape/Survival Plans
1. The Codeword
Have a codeword, such as "Scrim" or "Sazerac," with a friend to indicate that you need them to call crying about their breakup, pet emergency, or flooding apartment. Don't worry about plausibility—just practice your facial distress in the mirror beforehand to make sure you deliver an Oscar-worthy performance. Big gasps of shock and covering one ear to hear better are good techniques.
2. The Bathroom
If things get too heated, take a bathroom break to regain composure—a classic. If they ask why you were gone for 15 minutes, tell them the line was long, or that you ran into that girl from high school that they absolutely despised so they will not have any urge to go find them. If your family is okay with you smoking, that is also an option, but be mindful of the other smokers in your family. It could also bring Uncle Jimmy out and then you have to deal with him one-on-one.
3. The Tip
Tip the bartender generously and early, both to apologize for anything that might come up and to possibly receive stronger pours. This also sets a precedent for the rest of your out of town/cheap family, so they will not want to look stingy when you're already pulling out the big bucks. Your local service workers are your teammates, not your enemies. There's probably a reason why they're working through the holidays and can relate.
4. The Cyanide Pill
Headache, nausea, vertigo, or a migraine, if you have a history of them, which is key. If things get too bad, feign illness to quickly escape and avoid the 30-minute parking lot goodbyes. Just be prepared for a possible grandmother check-in the next day, which can be a good or bad thing depending on your particular set of ancestors. Chicken soup is always welcome, but if the lecturing about your lifestyle habits gets to be too much, a quick reminder that she comes from the generation of quaaludes and casual amphetamine usage should suffice.
So go drink and have fun with your family with these measures in mind. They will guarantee that you will leave the function without being the story that gets repeated every family gathering from here on out. Keep a level head and take notes on your family members who do f**k up on what not to do for next year.
