Is not being able to go to Old Navy to get a gray shirt with an American flag on it getting you down? Well, even though we are in a period of economic, political, and social turmoil, we can still eat hot dogs and look at explosions in the sky. But which item of this glorious day represents you personally? Don't worry, we made a quiz. Remember, no matter which item you get, this day is a celebration of a riot (dumping the tea into the harbor was destruction of property!), and I hope you recognize current riots and protests as echoes of this ongoing and historic fight for freedom. Happy 4th!
1. Have you ever been on a boat?
a. My uncle has one.
b. I've seen someone drown. Does that count?
c. I have a DVD of Jaws.
d. I was born on a boat, and I'll die on a boat.
2. What Spotify playlist did you put on for the picnic?
a. Born in the USA.
b. Party in the USA.
d. American Boy.
3. What is the perfect hot dog topping?
a. Another hot dog.
b. Cool Ranch Doritos, crushed up.
c. One of those upside-down airplane bottles to infuse vodka into the hot dog.
d. Ketchup and mustard.
4. Do black lives matter?
b. Yes, but with money donated.
c. Yes, and it is especially important on the 4th of July, when we celebrate America's freedom, to recognize that not all of her citizens fully have that yet, and this is why we fight.
d. They do, and I also believe in defunding the police.
5.What's your favorite kind of pie?
c. Chocolate bourbon pecan.
d. Grilled peach.
6. What's your relationship to fireworks?
a. They remind me of my childhood.
b. Something so intense that it's verging on sexual.
c. I like when the lights blow up.
d. Same as my relationship to dogs.
7. Who are you absolutely not inviting to the BBQ?
a. Joey Chestnut.
b. The law.
c. My breathalyzer.
d. My first wife.
8. What is your 4th of July outfit?
a. Cargo shorts, baseball hat.
b. Low-cut red top, blue eye shadow, white nails.
c. Two words: tank top.
d. Anything that can hold all my knives.
9. Have you ever gotten a DUI?
a. I would have, but he got a call.
b. No, but I love drunk driving.
c. I mean, yes.
d. I ride an ATV most of the time.
10. What is your favorite explosions movie?
b. Lethal Weapon.
c. Independence Day.
d. Bad Boys.
If you chose mostly As, congratulations! You are: Hot Dog.
Not quite meat, not quite trash—expected, but somehow always a surprise. You make everything make sense. When there's a big group of people and no one knows each other, you don't introduce everyone, but you do kind of stand in the middle of the two separate groups, so at least it looks like people are having a good time. We couldn't do any of this without you, but also, no one wants you here very much.
If you selected mostly Bs, congratulations, you are: Illegal Firework!
You've probably already left to smoke weed with your cousin at least once, and you're still in 7th grade emotionally. The epitome of fun, to you, is driving a Toyota Corolla too fast in a parking lot and when the Superbowl is about to come back from a commercial. You used to be a bully, but now you're realizing that's wrong. 4th of July is about hope to you, and sometimes you cry thinking about it.
If your answers were mostly Cs, congratulations, you are: 15 Beers.
Most days, we celebrate with one to six beers, but on the anniversary of our independence, we celebrate with 15! Cheap beer is just fun water. This day is honestly your time to shine. You only need to go to the bathroom once every 2.5 hours, you can get a bite of nachos with at least three toppings, and you are still processing a lot of stuff with your ex, so the fireworks are going to be a real emotional journey for you.
If you had mostly Ds, congratulations. You are: Active Grill!
Always the first to show up and always the one with lighter fluid. None of your shirts have sleeves, and none of your exes talk to you. You are gruff, but with an even gruffer interior. You do have some surprises, though: You love animals, have cried to one Coldplay song (not "The Scientist" or "Fix You"), and you still have most of your Beanie Baby collection (what if they come back?). You have, like, three different pocket knives, and that's what this holiday is all about.