Red Flag Detection

18:00 August 18, 2015
By: Aidi Kansas

I'm in a relationship with someone that I thought I was in love with, but I'm so conflicted now.

My boyfriend, John, is 10 years my senior, has been married twice and has two kids; I'm 37 years old. There are things that I worry about in our relationship: I'm always waiting on him to call, or tell me when we're going to see each other. Everything seems to be centered around him. He thinks he's such a stellar guy and says I should be thankful for the time we spend together, and that when the time is right I will meet his kids – it's been 1 year and he still has not introduced us.

There are other things that bother me as well, like how he hates my cat, and pets in general. I have feelings for John and love our time together, but when we're apart, reality sets in and I question everything about our relationship. I'm turning to you because my Mom, who was my best friend and confidante, passed away one year ago and she wasn't thrilled with our connection. I accused her of being over-protective and promised her that I was just having fun and would take it slow. But now I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I've always wanted children of my own, which is out of the question if I stay with this man. I'm sacrificing so much of myself to be with this person – I'm feeling worse about it every day. I seem to attract people that don't want to commit to me.

Coincidentally, I've been having dreams with my Mom. Every time I have a dream she is in, she doesn't say anything, but we communicate telepathically. I wake up remembering the details of my dream with my Mother and cry because it feels so real. Each time she looks so young and vibrant, and she fills our space with love. I hate waking up because I feel so sad and lonely without her in my life.

What is she trying to say?

Feeling so lost,

Sydney (Austin, TX)

Hello Sydney,

I'm sorry you've struggled so much in life with your relationships. I can tell you want so badly to be in a relationship that you've sacrificed yourself and all the things that are important to you in life.

You need a lesson in red flag detection. These flags are very important to detect in the start of any relationship, whether it be love, business or the simple purchase of a pair of shoes. If your feet start hurting before you even leave the house, that’s a big red flag signaling that the shoes you purchased are turning on you. You should probably change shoes immediately, but how many of us ignore the pain and wear the shoes out in spite of the major red flag.

Anyone that brags about how awesome they are is usually far from it.

I bet if we sat down and talked we would easily find those pesky red flags in your relationship in the first few weeks. You just chose to ignore them.

Our spirit has a way of giving us signs when we're struggling in life. I think your Mom has gone the extra mile here by having me select your email out of everyone else's, so that we can get you to wake up and realize this man is not the right one for you once and for all. He's actually not right for anyone. He sounds selfish, and personally, anyone that brags about how awesome they are is usually far from it – especially if they dislike animals. That's an automatic deal breaker in my book. People that straight out don't care for dogs or cats for no other reason than sheer dislike are insensitive human beings and generally lack a great deal of compassion.

I encourage you to really be yourself and say the things you've been holding back. I want you to see who he really is – or isn't. If he walks, then please let him.

You know the saying: "You live, you learn." Well this will be the relationship where you learn who you really are and what you really want. If your partner only cares about his needs, you will see these red flags early on, and decide whether it's worth your precious time. You will create a new habit of going with your gut instead of ignoring it.

We need encouragement and the right people surrounding us so that we can value ourselves and want better for ourselves. Take inventory of who you surround yourself with these days. Stay away from people making lousy decisions. This energy is contagious if you're in a vulnerable state and will affect your ability to stay strong.

Your Mom is with you my friend, and is working overtime to make you see she's still with you, if only in spirit. Please don't dismiss this loving message of support as just a dream. Open up and try to do things like yoga, meditation or anything that you've denied yourself access to in the last year due to waiting around for Mr. I-Don't-Like-Animals. (I still can't get over that one.)

Once you break away on your own and fuel your spirit, you will open up the pathway to heal and attract your real soul mate in time.


Have a question for Aidi Kansas? Aidi addresses readers’ questions in her column, “NOLA Spirit Girl,” published every other Tuesday on You can reach out to her through her Facebook page.


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