Do you hate football, but need to be around it constantly because of who’s in your life and where you live? Here are some things you can do to enjoy a football game because, let’s be honest, football is not going anywhere!
- Imagine all the players are gay. Who’s secretly in love with whom? Playing to pay off vintage clothing collections? Owns a large cat? Most of these things are also true about the players anyway, regardless of sexual orientation.
- Assign each player a famous historical character. Act as though the plays are personal attacks and give them motivations. Why does Marie Curie keep tackling Harriet Tubman? Why is Shakespeare such a little bitch about throw-ins?
- Find all their wives and girlfriends online. Imagine their book club meetings and séances. Who are you rooting for? Create a bracket.
- Add the jerseys together! Which players make prime numbers?
- Write a screenplay about the security guards. What are their dreams? Who have they killed?
- Find the birthdays, then horoscopes for each player. Do they only throw to other Scorpios? Are the Geminis all ball hogs? Coaches too!
- Photoshop different hairstyles onto all the players. Isn’t a world without gender norms more interesting?
- Make anagrams of all the names on one team. What messages from the devil are hidden in there?
- Write fan fiction about the mascots. What adventures will a raven and a pirate go on? Will a white sock be there? Maybe all mascots hang out together regardless of sport. Maybe that’s a division that we put on them.
- When all else fails, eat the tortilla chips.
