Kitty Literature or Freewheeling

00:00 April 27, 2014
By: Phil LaMancusa

 Here we are again Cats and Hats: second week of Jazz Fest; are we rollin’ now or what? We’ve forged our paths between the remains of the mud and the dust; we’re able to find our way to favorite food stands, stages and toilets; we’re gonna visit craft booths this weekend for sure and bring cash so we don’t have to use those robber ATMs. Everything is Coolidge, eh Rita?

Not quite, Sparky. This year I’ve noticed, in fact it came to my attention last week as well, that there are an inordinate amount of aliens attending the Fest this year and I ain’t talking undocumented Armenians here. I mean ETs (extraterrestrials, celestial beings, space peoples). Also, I’ve been told of the sightings of mythological folk, angels and demons that are in disguise and lurking. Don’t just take my word for it; ask Ask for agents ‘Jay’ and ‘Kay’ and tell them agent ‘Pee’ sent you. Or…

Here’s how to distinguish them from true Earth bipeds: first off they don’t read Where Y’at; in fact they only seem to read on them pad thingys. Yeah sure, it looks like they’re reading natural letters on their Nook Kimble or some other device, but what they’re really doing is signaling the Mothership to download the music that they’re making believe they’re listening to. It’s a big galactic bootlegging scheme; they’ll pay big out there for some Clapton, Springsteen, Santana or Chaka Kahn; yeah, huge sums of Altarian Dollars will change hands this weekend.

Secondly: they don’t dance; or if they do it’s that Grateful Deadhead thing that looks like they’re massaging some invisible elephant. You know the one I mean, that white boy/girl sucking in their bottom lip, eyes closed, like they’re listening to space wave lengths (they are!!) dance. 

They’re also the ones sitting down in the Gospel Tent or not movin’ and groovin’ to the Radiators, Amanda Shaw or Delbert McClinton. They be lying on their blankets, taking up zip codes, acting all cool like somebody glued their butts to the rug (or seats). They’re the ones that are not on their feet for Maze (featuring Frankie Beverly), not even trying to do The Electric Slide, that’s ‘them’.

 What else? See those ‘people’ in the tent with the new automobiles? Ever wonder what that’s all about? Planet Betelgeuse; they think our technology is hilarious. Take a gander at those ‘people’ standing at the ATM. Same thing. I watched a ‘man’ last week get cash, go back to the end of the ATM line, get cash again, go back to the end of the line, get cash again….you tell me.

Those ‘folks’ that seem enthralled at glassblowers, pirogue carvers and pig skin fryers? I’ll leave it to you to decide. Oh sure, they’ll be buying tee shirts, coozies and hats made in a third world country; and why not? They need souvenirs like any other tourist. 

Now that we’re started, you’ll be able to start picking them out of the crowd just like ‘we’ do. Those beings that don’t glance twice when Mardi Gras Indians come through. That queue at the stand that sells stuff that you can make at home (and do) for more money than you can feed a family of four on?

 ‘They’ LOVE oysters though, and you can see ‘em belly up to that bar, but they never tip!  BAM: ‘them’ again! They cannot drink any alcoholic beverages without giving themselves away by acting stupid; I mean really, who gets stupid drunk at the Fest? Yep. Aliens. Oh, did I mention to watch your back in the mister tent? Some of these folks come from some very swampy places and mist to them is a definite turn on (especially if they’ve had a beer). And Ladies, I don’t advise letting one of those swans get too familiar. Just saying.

Onward: ever consider that those guys with the tall poles with geegaws flying from the tops might just be carrying antennas? No? Boy, Earth people are so naive. 

Shall we talk fashion? For real now: anyone with any more sense than a sack of hammers that has spent any time in an open space for half a day knows not to under or over dress. This is common sense. AHA! Common sense is not common to those from outer space; you see, we know that we dress in layers and only bring layers that we can stuff in our shoulder bag. If it gets chilly, out comes the sweater; if Old Sol is beating down, out comes the do rag and we never, ever wear foot gear that is fragile, delicate or open to injuries. SO, when you see some cute thing dressed in next to nothing walking around in the sun… 1.) You know they’re in for some third degree burns, 2.) They’re a shuffle short of a good card game or 3.) ALIENS!!!! The opposite is true of the overdressed: 1,) Heatstroke 2.) One olive short of a Greek salad. 3.) ALIENS!!!

Now the extraterrestrial are not dangerous; in fact, some of them can be really warm and cuddly, although they lack logic and common sense, they know how to flash their smile and wiggle their butts. On the other hand: Devils and Angels are another matter; mythological creatures are the worst. 

If you run across a Blubad, Hexenbiest or Zaurbiest who’s had a couple of beers and you step upon their flimsily clad feet; they’ll be apt to tear off your arm and beat you with the bloody end or rip your lungs out. C’mon, we’ve all seen Grimm.

Angels and devils will merely cast a spell and make you forget where Liuzza’s by the Track is and you’ll miss the best part. Be careful, my friends; it’s not all fun and games. 

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