Theater of the Absurd
Jul 18 2017

Theater of the Absurd

By: Phil LaMancusa

In my life, I have been led, followed, and plagued by life’s generalities in search of heroes; and, while heroes are in short supply… I am mightily long on generalities.

My heroes have never been straight men… (I knew that would get your attention). My heroes have always been sidekicks, wise guys, cut ups, and the pie in the face guys that were the phunny phellows who inevitably got phucked by the phickle phinger of phate as their just reward. Eventually, straight men grow into used car salesmen, politicians, and movie stars: the people that you take at face value (with a grain of salt). Sidekicks turn maudlin when drunk, are lovesick at the drop of an eyelash, and generally are too insecure to get anything that they really want. They’re never in great physical condition. Here are more generalizations:

As a rule we tend to believe what good looking people tell us. We laugh at their jokes and value their opinions and they can be the most charismatic and the most dangerous. The sweetest of women tend to fall prey to hot looking guys when they combine their looks with adequate hygiene and bad boy personas. Eventually, they will be caught in lies and found out to be more in love with themselves than they ever could be with anyone else. Being in love with a ‘bad boy’ is a rite of passage for women and a lively topic of conversation in later years over cocktails.

Young sweet perky women eventually wonder why the majority of men that they meet think of them as sexual trophies without intellect or sophistication. If they smoke cigarettes they are viewed as promiscuous and guys find it is fun to ply them with drinks and look down their blouses, that is, until they start crying over that bad boy they’re in love with, which happens just before they throw up and pass out. Would I lie to you?

Homely people have no talent; but, put eyeglasses on them and they become geniuses with a financially secure future. Overweight people are lethargic unless they enter the performing arts, pet owners are generally trustworthy, and gay men know all the words to show tunes and are great decorators. Interracial couples are on borrowed time, dentists are never wrong, that sweet old lady would never hurt a fly, you don’t want to know what a cook in a restaurant does to your food, and those kids over there are on drugs and looking for something to steal. Jewish people are tight with their money. Salespeople will tell you whatever you want to hear and see how easy this is?

Americans tend to judge folks on their appearance and on public and private profiling; after all, what else do we have to go by? Black folks (and they don’t like to be called ‘folks’ folks) are terrible tippers whose diet consists mainly of fried chicken. Orientals are smarter than us but have no peripheral vision, Italians are family oriented but are into organized crime; if he’s a cop he’s probably Irish, that girl behind the counter is probably putting herself through school, and anyone who listens to rap music is definitely a moron.

Nobody knows what people are really thinking; if they are too quiet something must be wrong, if they’re loud they must be drunk, if they’re in a hurry maybe they’re trying to avoid us and if they’re coming toward us… they want something. If they’re frowning that means trouble, if they’re smiling they must be on something, an outstretched hand means they want to borrow something, and how do you tell when, and if, someone is telling the truth anyway?

I’m the worst. Mostly because I am by nature selfish, paranoid and duplicitous, I have the need to question my opinions, intentions, and motivations on a constant basis. Men who smoke cigars mistreat their women, girlfriends of alcoholics are never faithful (for long), and people who exercise incessantly are trying to work off some kind of guilt complex.

Parents who yell at their kids in public, beat them in private. The person who cuts in front of you in line would probably lift your wallet. The customer who waits until he is fully checked out to pull out cash is afraid of getting mugged; if they pull out a checkbook then they are just plain stupid. Anyone who uses a credit card for a small purchase needs a clout. Germans have strong body odor and the guy that pulled the trigger is surely a member of the disenfranchised minority.

A whore is a woman who will screw anyone, a slut is a woman who will screw anyone… but you. We all have the same potential only some of us get breaks and some don’t. Intelligence is something you have to work on and stupidity comes naturally; ergo, stupid people are lazy.

Republicans are only looking out for rich people, French people all have halitosis, and when you come back to the table and everyone is quiet, it’s because they were talking about you. Hispanics are better workers because they’re really poor; however, whatever money they make they send home; besides, they’re doing work that we can’t get ‘OUR’ people to do anymore and ‘OUR’ people didn’t do it as well as the Hispanics are doing it. Middle Easterners either drive taxis (the same with ethnic Africans) or they run Quickie-Mart gas stations. Corner groceries are the domain of Asians and who knows what the hell white people do for a living? Shall I go on?

Greeks either open restaurants or become house painters, people who litter come from broken homes, most ‘hospitality industry’ workers don’t like people, therefore, they are untrainable, affluent people are species specific and only mate with their own kind, and there is nothing common about common sense.

Those young folks who dress funny and act weird actually are trying to alienate the establishment, it’s okay not to relate to them, suffice to say that they’re doing a fine job.

The fast track to go into rehab, find god, and cut a new album. There, I dropped this one off the deep end; don’t kill me, I’m only the messenger.

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