by David Vicari
* ½ out of four

Remember the conclusion of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the bad guys open the Ark of the Covenant? Those angelic spirits flew out and one of the villains exclaimed, “It’s beautiful!” Then, it all goes to hell as the spirits turned horrific and faces started melting. That is what the experience of sitting through The Lovely Bones was kind of like. At first, the movie seems pretty good, with some minor flaws but with effectively foreboding atmosphere and some astounding visuals. Then around the 45-minute mark, it completely spirals out of control and dives straight down into the pits of movie hell never to return.
This period, um, thriller, I guess, takes place in the early 1970s. Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan) is a vibrant 14-year-old girl with her entire life ahead of her, that is until she is raped and murdered by the neighborhood serial killer/pedophile, George Harvey (Stanley Tucci).
The girl’s father (Mark Wahlberg) becomes fixated on finding the killer, yet the film never competently conveys his mounting obsession. For Susie’s mother (Rachel Weisz), the grief of losing her child is so strong that she skips town—to become a migrant worker (WTF?)! So, who is going to take care of Susie’s younger siblings while mom is away? No fear, it’s the wacky, drunken grandma (Susan Sarandon) to the rescue. We actually get a comedic montage of granny burning dinner, sweeping dirt under a carpet, fighting a vacuum cleaner, and causing a washing machine to overflow with suds. I shit you not.
Meanwhile, Susie herself is in some kind of purgatory full of swaying wheat fields, rainbows, and giant ice sculptures. While there, she meets another young girl (Nikki SooHoo) who was also a victim of the killer. Together, they go tobogganing, as well as envisioning themselves as models in a teen magazine, all the while waiting for Susie’s family to allow her to cross over to the other side by letting go of their grief.
Tucci is creepy as the killer, but too creepy. Mr. Harvey is the really creepy guy in the neighborhood—so everybody should know he did it! The detective on the case (Michael Imperioli) knows that the murderer lured his victims into a underground structure, yet this cop is too dumb to put two and two together when, during a casual interview, it’s revealed that Harvey knows a thing or two about architecture—because he constructs intricately detailed dollhouses as a hobby. He did it! He’s the guy! It’s obvious! Take him downtown for questioning!
This sloppy adaptation of Alice Sebold’s bestseller is brought to the screen by none other than Peter Jackson, the man responsible for the exquisite Lord of the Rings trilogy. When I heard that he was adapting The Lovely Bones, I thought it would be a good companion piece to his haunting 1994 picture, Heavenly Creatures, based on a true story of two disturbed teenage girls who conspire to kill. Instead, I get a companion piece to his alleged horror/comedy from 1996, The Frighteners.
I think the point to The Lovely Bones is supposed to be that Susie’s family must forget about what happened and be happy again. Sure. Your daughter was violently murdered. Just get over it. That notion is extremely offensive.